“I would rather live poor and happy than die rich and lonely.”
For time is all we have; money, dreams, life and love are speckles of dust within our ever perishing lights of life. We create memories for a life we forget and memories that others grieve for. They perceive our life in a multitude of emotions all up until our last ember leaves our dimming soul and creates a new one. They can go through your entire life with thoughts of love, anger, hell they can even want to kill you. But you know what the sickening truth is? It doesn’t matter, life is about experience, and how happy you are isn’t based on an eternity of man-made wealth, we forget this fact more often than not. We lose sight of reality. My wealth is based on life experiences and I’m the richest of the kind.
“You’re a spineless, good for nothing sack of shit Bill.” Yeah I’ve heard this all before, I wasn’t fazed. Yeah maybe I was a bit angry but phased? Far from it. Is this what life’s come to I pondered. I vowed to myself at 18 I would never end up in that same shit different day routine, now look at me. Same shit, different day routine. She was trying to rip me a new one all because the rent was due and money was tight, how could she blame me for that shit? I work my ass 24/7 in a job I loathe indubitably and she gets on my back the minute I walk through the door. My strings were snapping, you go throughout life being nice to everyone you ever meet and what do you get in return? Nothing, sure the world doesn’t owe you anything and it never will, it’s what you make out of life but there’s those times when you just think to yourself; “where’s my love?”
I snapped my tie with a tight grip I know all too well, kicked my shoes off my aching feet and sat on the sofa. You’ve seen the films, it’s that epiphany moment; the world blurs and meshes into the backing, the screams and torrent of abuse just become a silent murmur and then my mind fell blank. It was that ‘pin drop moment’ you hear all the time, I just had enough. I’ve felt this way for years, today was the day I changed that.
Crap, Did I forget to introduce myself to you, I did didn’t I. As you’ve guessed my name’s Bill, yeah I was the one getting called a ‘spineless sack of shit’ but before we delve into that I bring you my childhood, my rather flat childhood I should say. Everyone loves to intrude and drag the mess from one another’s lives to make theirs feel all that much better, before you try and do that to me I shall just tell you.
I lived a basic life, from the age of 6 I always loved to write. It wasn’t until I was much older I began to get deep into it, like I said before I was very average in all aspects of this world. I woke up, went to school, done my homework and repeated this process. I guess that’s an ever recurring routine we all know too well. I watched my parents do the same; they put food on the table and warmth into my heart. I didn’t understand as a child but once I hit those teenage years it just all fell apart. I had dreams, aspirations and so did they however they ploughed through a life they didn’t want just so I was happy. I wonder how they look at me now, they wanted and pushed me to reach for whatever goal I could conjure up in my lost mind however I’m a fucking accountant and barely scraping by, I fucked up, big time. What would they think of me now?
Throughout childhood I was a spotty geek, a recluse of sorts. I just wandered in and out of dreaming and reality almost every day, my mind had gotten into the routine of wanting more yet never having the balls to do so. That’s probably why I’m like this now. I shouldn’t make excuses, to be quite frank I shouldn’t be complaining I have a roof over my head but do I have a life I want to lead, no. I was far from it. I met my current girlfriend in a fucking Starbucks, romantic? I think not. I was sat down just going over a few clients’ accounts on my laptop, it was a packed Friday morning and of course the empty seat was next to me. Now admittedly I was jumping to and from work and social network sites, maybe I was on the social sites a bit too much than I should have been but hey at the time I weren’t complaining. I just stopped giving a fuck.
I was watching a video, some silly video about dogs and what they do with their owners, truth is I can’t really remember but what I do remember was this beautiful girl sitting next to me. It’s odd, I was always shy within my professional life yet in a social environment I was able to relish, I could come off as the most confident man in the world but deep down I was a lost lonely wanderer.
Essentially I’m going to cut a rather boring love story short, I’m sick of love. It disgusts me at this point in my futile existence, I’ve only just realised I need friendship, I didn’t want to fall in love, but I did. She kept peering over at the video and she slightly giggled, that was the chance to open up a conversation. Like I said, just your average life nothing out of the normal, we exchanged names and contact numbers and ended up going on multiple dates.
We fell in love to quick, we pushed the boundaries and jumped straight into the deep end; our love eventually drowned when we began living together. I’m choosing not to reveal her name or compromise this story; at one time in my life she was perfect. Why should I cause her suffering by betraying our bond we once had? With our professional lives taking over our relationship went stale; we fell in and out of love far too much. She wasn’t interested in me anymore. I found myself drawing back the curtains each morning with disgust in my heart, you could call me nasty for saying that but it’s true. We despised each other, the sex was non-existent only ever on birthdays and we never did anything romantic. I think back wondering what caused all of this, maybe it’s not having the balls to go for goals and dreams. I was just letting the world trample all over me.
Like I said, it was an average childhood and an average adult/romantic life; it’s my memories and tales of adult life that really out shadow the richest of humans.
Snap back to reality.
I blurred her shit out my mind, that tether holding back my fears and reclusive behaviour magically broke. It was like a drug had entered within my system and controlled my whole body, I was more than alive, and I was on cloud 9. You end up taking so much shit from the entire world all you can do is break, I ran upstairs still in a different spectrum of reality; I grabbed the wallet on the drawer, my passport from my closet and ran back downstairs. My legs wandered to the door and that was it, a middle finger back at her and a viscous “goodbye” I was gone. I didn’t understand what happened; I couldn’t believe I just did what I had done. I usually have a guilt trip after doing something nasty or malicious however this time, nothing.
I was living. I was young, 23 and without a plan.
Next stop the nearest airport.